where did my life go?

I somehow magically lucked out this morning, and walked into my 9am class this morning, only to find out it was cancelled. Normally my reaction would be anger 'cause that's one more hour of sleep I could have had. However, I took it as a good thing 'cause it gave me something I've had very little of lately. Extra time/free time. My afternoons are strictly reserved for studying, piano playing, and working out, unless I have a rare band practice, or am scheduled for work. My nights are completely occupied with rehearsals for cabaret, work, playing shows or band practices, and if there's time studying, and a tiny bit of relaxing but not much.

I am tired all of the time lately.

I forgot how exhausting it can be to be in a play. I love it though, when you think about the whole process, and all the time and energy that goes into a production, I mean it's really an amazing outcome. This isn't something I can really do all the time anymore like I used to when I was younger, but I think I'm going to have to do this at least once maybe twice a year. It offers a different kind of release then playing music. I get to pretend to be somebody else every night. That's why i liked it in the first place, oh and the singing and dancing. That's just fun. Oh yeah and the making new friends, I like that part a lot too.

I attempted to dye my hair last night and holy disaster. AAAAAAH! I attempted to go back to my original color which is a medium golden brown, and ended up with the top of my hair lighter then the bottom. It looks horribe. I'm fixing it tonight. I'm ashamed to be out in public really.

I have to go to astronomy now and learn about the history of the planet earth in geological terms. Will my eyes stay open? I have no clue!

My first test of the semester is on thursday, child and family development. I'm a little freaked out. The real semester has begun now, and I'm a tad bit behind.

I have no boyfriend, no regular intimacy, just a few people to talk to or text to say hey. I'm not getting a lot of male attention, and its fabulous.

I'm the best boyfriend for myself anyway!

overwrought

Oh lord.
I think I put way too much on my plate, what state of mind was I in when I planned out the beginning of 2009. This week I have been running on 12 hour days. 12 hour days!!!! It's not stopping until saturday either. I have one day to relax and that's saturday. 15 credit hours, Cabaret rehearsals, band rehearsals, song writing, studying, volunteering, and working.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!?!?!?!?! It's only going to get worse too, 'cause its only the beginning of the semester.

I'm just exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open half the time. I can't even imagine what it's like to be a new mother, I'm guessing its something close to this with less sleep, and you have I don't know a human life to completely take care of.

I've given up on having a social life. I just don't have time.

And so school begins......again

I'm not going to talk about new years ever, or the events that directly proceeded it. All that needs to be discussed about that is that I'm okay now, I'm staying with my mom for the time being, I probably have a new house to move into next week, and I'm 100% sober for the time being.

Now that's all out of the way.

I'm back in school!!!! Classes started today. I am slowly but surely beginning to see the outline of the finish line which is exciting. I still have time til its done, but its oh so much closer.

My classes this semester:

Child and Family Development
Art History II (modern art and architecture)
Social Problems
The profession of Social Work
Life in the Universe

15 credits, I should be able to handle this, no math! Should be fine! No labs, should be fine!

The events of the day:

-I woke up at 7:30am. WHAT? I haven't woken up that early in so long, good lord it was crazy!

-i ate breakfast! WHAT? oh yeah I eat breakfast now, balanced and nutritious

-go to first class, am deeply satisfied that the professor is organized and proficient, am a little distraught that there are 400 freaking people in the class, however I make friends with the girl next to me. I decide that it'll probably be a good one

-I book it down to the new art school. Holy crap the new art school is beautiful! Modern! I'm blown away however i forgot to write the room number down in my planner and am praying that all the people waiting in the atrium are waiting for the same class. I look at this one girl who makes eye contact with me smile and ask if the group is waiting for art his 2400, she just blankly looks at me as if I came from the planet mars. I figure she must be deaf or doesn't understand english and ask someone else, I then hear first girl twittering and giggling and saying to her sorostitute friend in english, " Oh my god, did you see that girls SCARF. I mean Really?' HOLD UP. Okay first of all, I may not look like your average white or black or whatever 20 something year old, I have a very unique style but I do not look like a freak, I look damn good. Second of all YOU ARE IN THE ART SCHOOL!!!! HELLO! PEOPLE LOOK WIERD IN THE ART SCHOOL ITS CALLED ARTISTIC EXPRESSION!!!! Sorry I do not have a signature very bradley bag, or highlights, but do not be making fun of me in front of me.
I guess another one to plop into the mediocre pile. Good luck in the real world honey, your gonna need it, your cliqueishness and snobbery only take you so far. You're going to wonder where your so called friends your trying to impress are when you really need them. I learned that lesson real quick in high school. (not all of them, the ones that matter I'm still in contact with in some form). UGH! I hate having to feel sorry for people. Maybe I should pray for her, that she realizes that there's more to life then how you look, and that she develops a warm heart and gets over her deep insecurities. Not to mention, my scarf rules.

- I'm glad I sort of remember where everything is on campus

- there are a lot of blondes here

- there are some HOT boys this semester. Wow. I mean woah, where in the heck have they been hiding, y'all need to stroll on over to my side of town.

- I got the last free new york times! woooo!

- I feel really good

That's it in a nutshell, I feel on top of things, I feel clearheaded and good, I still have some kinks in my conciousness to work out but that takes time.

Viva la School!

Alex Trebec, Why?

I am watching an infomercial about words and reading starring Alex Trebec. Did he run out of booze money or does he genuinely care about wordsmart? Maybe I need wordsmart?

Christmas passed, new years approaches and I move into my dream home in a few days.

I make mistakes and act immature, but I have to keep moving forward I can be a hateful creature, but thats what happens when you keep pushing and pushing me away, let me in a little then push me away, let me in, then push, then when I try to give a friendly hug you literally push me away, which was so offensive, well then to quote Kanye " I guess we'll just be enemies".

I hate weak men.

Anyway, in other news, i checked my credit report and I have barely any debt left. How amazing is that? I never thought I'd see the day, but there it was. Holla. I have hope for the future.

Also I started researching grad schools online, so far the best program is at the University of Chicago of course. Don't know if I could deal with all that winter ever again. Berkeley looked good too. I'll probably stay here, we'll see where the jobs are when that comes.

Overall. Things are definately on the up. I'm cleaning out all things undesirable from my life.

holiday and despair

The holidays.
Well merry Christmas.
The holidays always bring me a small sense of despair, I don't have many happy holiday memories, while the last few years the day of Christmas has been tolerable, something bad has always happened every year. It's come to the point where I expect it, so its not as traumatic. This year it was my brothers stabbing. However he was better before Christmas which helped. I actually had a good day today, it felt good to give my mother the presents I have bought and made for her, not to mention I received some amazing gifts from my mother and friends.

I was also able to cook a really nice Christmas dinner tonight for me and mom.

Right now though I can't help but feel a sense of longing for past loves. It must be the warm feeling undulating around me all day, all the well wishes and sweet words. These things make me think of the men I have loved. Men I loved so much at a time in my life, while that love has subsided, the memories remain and sometimes those memories can be painful especially late at night after a bottle of excellent italian wine. I wonder what they did today, if their happy, did I cross their mind, do I ever cross their mind. I know they cross mine, at random times or when I'm sitting in front of a piano.

I know I'm better off, and I know that I'm happy with my life here in Athens. I mean everything I wanted in this move has been happening, in fact it is far exceeding the expectations I had set, and I am still growing, I am still loving, I am still me.

I'm going to start taking more pictures, 'cause I finally have a new memory card, I'm also going to smell awesome 'cause I got a bunch of shit that I can't afford anymore, but can't help but indulge in. I have a huge weakness for expensive moisturizers and lavish bath and hair products. I can't help it, they make me feel all luxurious, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I just can't afford it anymore.

Love look away.

Beautiful song that one is.

clouds lifting...

I'm not feeling as terrible as yesterday, even though it was nearly impossible for me to wake up today. I'm looking forward to being on a normal sleeping schedule again. I've been having lots of time to think and to knit. Knitting calms me down a lot, and it feels good to make things for other people.

I think I'm confused. As much as I'd like to think that I'm an independent and fine being alone. I'm totally not. I think there is something inside of me that associates happiness with having a partner. That can't be right, happiness has to come from within. While I may battle sadness I feel I'm also fairly close to loving myself. Maybe that's all a lie though, maybe I'm just following the same patterns and doing the same things over and over and over again. The only difference being that I'm getting older, maybe a little bit wiser. I mean it takes a lot for me to "freak out" like I used to when I was younger. i also can handle bad things a lot easier. I think it might all deal with rejection.

I must have a crazy problem with rejection.

I mean who wouldn't have a problem with it, it makes you feel like shit, it starts raising questions in your mind, like why am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? However its rare we'll turn it around and think about the situation as a whole. Usually it always ends out for the better, but I have a hard time handling it as it happens. Sometimes it heals to write music or paint something. Writing music though, it makes me wonder is this person worth a song? I only really want to write about people that were significant in my life or were so over the top ridiculous assholes, or complete alcoholics. I don't want to write a song about some dude that thought I was a little too fat, or freaked out over commitment. Maybe I should just write one massive song, involving all of them, once I'm done writing it I'll deem it entirely too retarded for performing and toss it in the dumpster, and feel better about the whole process.

I've spent time alone before, It's probably due time I tried it again. It can just be frightening. I've always had something to run to, or shit at least a bed to run to, or a late night phone call to make since I met Paul Fitz. That's been almost 5 years now. That is insane.

Should I free myself, from this self torture? What am I scared of? I know I'm scared that I'm going to miss out on some amazing oppurtunity, but there's more to life then partnership. Everything else in my life, is going well. I need to focus on those things.

Depression runs thick in my blood

...I have a few things to say about it....
but first I have to smoke a cigarette.

Sometimes, well most of the time, I have a hard time waking up in the morning and its starting to wear on me, I'll sludge through the day and look forward to the nights. Thats when I really feel like I'm feeling something or living. I need structure, and schedules, I think I'm need of discipline. I plan on doing something about it soon. In a few mere weeks I'm moving into a happier home with a really good friend, I start rehearsals for a musical that I love, I will do band stuff again, I'm going to work out on a daily basis and try to shed some of these winter pounds. I'm going to be back in school. I know I've been doing some massive damage to my body and I need to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to end up out of control and sad for the rest of my life.

I just can't

It's ironic 'cause really there's lots of good things happening around me, but I get caught up and stuck in these self pity ruts every time something bad happens. I can't blame the event of my brother getting stabbed for my extreme sadness. I have to learn how to handle these types of situations without drowning myself into a bottle of alcohol or sitting tearfully on my mothers couch. The world moves on, life keeps going, am I going to keep moving and growing or do I stay in a puddle of self pity.

I take anti-depressants daily, almost for a full year now, and it frightens me to think how I would be without them. I never thought I'd be the person that depends on a medication for my stability, but they work somewhat, I'm still alive that is something.

I need to focus on my friendships 'cause they are truly amazing, stop focusing on trying to find a quality relationship with a partner 'cause thats not really getting me anywhere. My friends can be my romantic partners and I can order something from babeland to keep me satisfied otherwise. I have a wonderful mother, some exciting music projects, and a lot to look forward to.

Am I sad 'cause my life has changed so dramatically in this past year? Is this my mind and body resisting positive things in my life? I don't know.

Perhaps.

It's all one giant perhaps most of the time anyway though. Perhaps its just the holidays or something in my diet. Perhaps I'm lonely. Perhaps I feel like noone understands me. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need to find more ways to help balance those wacky neurons. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will.

Perhaps one day it won't be so hard for me to wake up in the morning.