holiday and despair

The holidays.
Well merry Christmas.
The holidays always bring me a small sense of despair, I don't have many happy holiday memories, while the last few years the day of Christmas has been tolerable, something bad has always happened every year. It's come to the point where I expect it, so its not as traumatic. This year it was my brothers stabbing. However he was better before Christmas which helped. I actually had a good day today, it felt good to give my mother the presents I have bought and made for her, not to mention I received some amazing gifts from my mother and friends.

I was also able to cook a really nice Christmas dinner tonight for me and mom.

Right now though I can't help but feel a sense of longing for past loves. It must be the warm feeling undulating around me all day, all the well wishes and sweet words. These things make me think of the men I have loved. Men I loved so much at a time in my life, while that love has subsided, the memories remain and sometimes those memories can be painful especially late at night after a bottle of excellent italian wine. I wonder what they did today, if their happy, did I cross their mind, do I ever cross their mind. I know they cross mine, at random times or when I'm sitting in front of a piano.

I know I'm better off, and I know that I'm happy with my life here in Athens. I mean everything I wanted in this move has been happening, in fact it is far exceeding the expectations I had set, and I am still growing, I am still loving, I am still me.

I'm going to start taking more pictures, 'cause I finally have a new memory card, I'm also going to smell awesome 'cause I got a bunch of shit that I can't afford anymore, but can't help but indulge in. I have a huge weakness for expensive moisturizers and lavish bath and hair products. I can't help it, they make me feel all luxurious, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I just can't afford it anymore.

Love look away.

Beautiful song that one is.