clouds lifting...

I'm not feeling as terrible as yesterday, even though it was nearly impossible for me to wake up today. I'm looking forward to being on a normal sleeping schedule again. I've been having lots of time to think and to knit. Knitting calms me down a lot, and it feels good to make things for other people.

I think I'm confused. As much as I'd like to think that I'm an independent and fine being alone. I'm totally not. I think there is something inside of me that associates happiness with having a partner. That can't be right, happiness has to come from within. While I may battle sadness I feel I'm also fairly close to loving myself. Maybe that's all a lie though, maybe I'm just following the same patterns and doing the same things over and over and over again. The only difference being that I'm getting older, maybe a little bit wiser. I mean it takes a lot for me to "freak out" like I used to when I was younger. i also can handle bad things a lot easier. I think it might all deal with rejection.

I must have a crazy problem with rejection.

I mean who wouldn't have a problem with it, it makes you feel like shit, it starts raising questions in your mind, like why am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? However its rare we'll turn it around and think about the situation as a whole. Usually it always ends out for the better, but I have a hard time handling it as it happens. Sometimes it heals to write music or paint something. Writing music though, it makes me wonder is this person worth a song? I only really want to write about people that were significant in my life or were so over the top ridiculous assholes, or complete alcoholics. I don't want to write a song about some dude that thought I was a little too fat, or freaked out over commitment. Maybe I should just write one massive song, involving all of them, once I'm done writing it I'll deem it entirely too retarded for performing and toss it in the dumpster, and feel better about the whole process.

I've spent time alone before, It's probably due time I tried it again. It can just be frightening. I've always had something to run to, or shit at least a bed to run to, or a late night phone call to make since I met Paul Fitz. That's been almost 5 years now. That is insane.

Should I free myself, from this self torture? What am I scared of? I know I'm scared that I'm going to miss out on some amazing oppurtunity, but there's more to life then partnership. Everything else in my life, is going well. I need to focus on those things.