Depression runs thick in my blood

...I have a few things to say about it....
but first I have to smoke a cigarette.

Sometimes, well most of the time, I have a hard time waking up in the morning and its starting to wear on me, I'll sludge through the day and look forward to the nights. Thats when I really feel like I'm feeling something or living. I need structure, and schedules, I think I'm need of discipline. I plan on doing something about it soon. In a few mere weeks I'm moving into a happier home with a really good friend, I start rehearsals for a musical that I love, I will do band stuff again, I'm going to work out on a daily basis and try to shed some of these winter pounds. I'm going to be back in school. I know I've been doing some massive damage to my body and I need to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to end up out of control and sad for the rest of my life.

I just can't

It's ironic 'cause really there's lots of good things happening around me, but I get caught up and stuck in these self pity ruts every time something bad happens. I can't blame the event of my brother getting stabbed for my extreme sadness. I have to learn how to handle these types of situations without drowning myself into a bottle of alcohol or sitting tearfully on my mothers couch. The world moves on, life keeps going, am I going to keep moving and growing or do I stay in a puddle of self pity.

I take anti-depressants daily, almost for a full year now, and it frightens me to think how I would be without them. I never thought I'd be the person that depends on a medication for my stability, but they work somewhat, I'm still alive that is something.

I need to focus on my friendships 'cause they are truly amazing, stop focusing on trying to find a quality relationship with a partner 'cause thats not really getting me anywhere. My friends can be my romantic partners and I can order something from babeland to keep me satisfied otherwise. I have a wonderful mother, some exciting music projects, and a lot to look forward to.

Am I sad 'cause my life has changed so dramatically in this past year? Is this my mind and body resisting positive things in my life? I don't know.

Perhaps.

It's all one giant perhaps most of the time anyway though. Perhaps its just the holidays or something in my diet. Perhaps I'm lonely. Perhaps I feel like noone understands me. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need to find more ways to help balance those wacky neurons. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will.

Perhaps one day it won't be so hard for me to wake up in the morning.