Alex Trebec, Why?

I am watching an infomercial about words and reading starring Alex Trebec. Did he run out of booze money or does he genuinely care about wordsmart? Maybe I need wordsmart?

Christmas passed, new years approaches and I move into my dream home in a few days.

I make mistakes and act immature, but I have to keep moving forward I can be a hateful creature, but thats what happens when you keep pushing and pushing me away, let me in a little then push me away, let me in, then push, then when I try to give a friendly hug you literally push me away, which was so offensive, well then to quote Kanye " I guess we'll just be enemies".

I hate weak men.

Anyway, in other news, i checked my credit report and I have barely any debt left. How amazing is that? I never thought I'd see the day, but there it was. Holla. I have hope for the future.

Also I started researching grad schools online, so far the best program is at the University of Chicago of course. Don't know if I could deal with all that winter ever again. Berkeley looked good too. I'll probably stay here, we'll see where the jobs are when that comes.

Overall. Things are definately on the up. I'm cleaning out all things undesirable from my life.

holiday and despair

The holidays.
Well merry Christmas.
The holidays always bring me a small sense of despair, I don't have many happy holiday memories, while the last few years the day of Christmas has been tolerable, something bad has always happened every year. It's come to the point where I expect it, so its not as traumatic. This year it was my brothers stabbing. However he was better before Christmas which helped. I actually had a good day today, it felt good to give my mother the presents I have bought and made for her, not to mention I received some amazing gifts from my mother and friends.

I was also able to cook a really nice Christmas dinner tonight for me and mom.

Right now though I can't help but feel a sense of longing for past loves. It must be the warm feeling undulating around me all day, all the well wishes and sweet words. These things make me think of the men I have loved. Men I loved so much at a time in my life, while that love has subsided, the memories remain and sometimes those memories can be painful especially late at night after a bottle of excellent italian wine. I wonder what they did today, if their happy, did I cross their mind, do I ever cross their mind. I know they cross mine, at random times or when I'm sitting in front of a piano.

I know I'm better off, and I know that I'm happy with my life here in Athens. I mean everything I wanted in this move has been happening, in fact it is far exceeding the expectations I had set, and I am still growing, I am still loving, I am still me.

I'm going to start taking more pictures, 'cause I finally have a new memory card, I'm also going to smell awesome 'cause I got a bunch of shit that I can't afford anymore, but can't help but indulge in. I have a huge weakness for expensive moisturizers and lavish bath and hair products. I can't help it, they make me feel all luxurious, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I just can't afford it anymore.

Love look away.

Beautiful song that one is.

clouds lifting...

I'm not feeling as terrible as yesterday, even though it was nearly impossible for me to wake up today. I'm looking forward to being on a normal sleeping schedule again. I've been having lots of time to think and to knit. Knitting calms me down a lot, and it feels good to make things for other people.

I think I'm confused. As much as I'd like to think that I'm an independent and fine being alone. I'm totally not. I think there is something inside of me that associates happiness with having a partner. That can't be right, happiness has to come from within. While I may battle sadness I feel I'm also fairly close to loving myself. Maybe that's all a lie though, maybe I'm just following the same patterns and doing the same things over and over and over again. The only difference being that I'm getting older, maybe a little bit wiser. I mean it takes a lot for me to "freak out" like I used to when I was younger. i also can handle bad things a lot easier. I think it might all deal with rejection.

I must have a crazy problem with rejection.

I mean who wouldn't have a problem with it, it makes you feel like shit, it starts raising questions in your mind, like why am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? However its rare we'll turn it around and think about the situation as a whole. Usually it always ends out for the better, but I have a hard time handling it as it happens. Sometimes it heals to write music or paint something. Writing music though, it makes me wonder is this person worth a song? I only really want to write about people that were significant in my life or were so over the top ridiculous assholes, or complete alcoholics. I don't want to write a song about some dude that thought I was a little too fat, or freaked out over commitment. Maybe I should just write one massive song, involving all of them, once I'm done writing it I'll deem it entirely too retarded for performing and toss it in the dumpster, and feel better about the whole process.

I've spent time alone before, It's probably due time I tried it again. It can just be frightening. I've always had something to run to, or shit at least a bed to run to, or a late night phone call to make since I met Paul Fitz. That's been almost 5 years now. That is insane.

Should I free myself, from this self torture? What am I scared of? I know I'm scared that I'm going to miss out on some amazing oppurtunity, but there's more to life then partnership. Everything else in my life, is going well. I need to focus on those things.

Depression runs thick in my blood

...I have a few things to say about it....
but first I have to smoke a cigarette.

Sometimes, well most of the time, I have a hard time waking up in the morning and its starting to wear on me, I'll sludge through the day and look forward to the nights. Thats when I really feel like I'm feeling something or living. I need structure, and schedules, I think I'm need of discipline. I plan on doing something about it soon. In a few mere weeks I'm moving into a happier home with a really good friend, I start rehearsals for a musical that I love, I will do band stuff again, I'm going to work out on a daily basis and try to shed some of these winter pounds. I'm going to be back in school. I know I've been doing some massive damage to my body and I need to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to end up out of control and sad for the rest of my life.

I just can't

It's ironic 'cause really there's lots of good things happening around me, but I get caught up and stuck in these self pity ruts every time something bad happens. I can't blame the event of my brother getting stabbed for my extreme sadness. I have to learn how to handle these types of situations without drowning myself into a bottle of alcohol or sitting tearfully on my mothers couch. The world moves on, life keeps going, am I going to keep moving and growing or do I stay in a puddle of self pity.

I take anti-depressants daily, almost for a full year now, and it frightens me to think how I would be without them. I never thought I'd be the person that depends on a medication for my stability, but they work somewhat, I'm still alive that is something.

I need to focus on my friendships 'cause they are truly amazing, stop focusing on trying to find a quality relationship with a partner 'cause thats not really getting me anywhere. My friends can be my romantic partners and I can order something from babeland to keep me satisfied otherwise. I have a wonderful mother, some exciting music projects, and a lot to look forward to.

Am I sad 'cause my life has changed so dramatically in this past year? Is this my mind and body resisting positive things in my life? I don't know.

Perhaps.

It's all one giant perhaps most of the time anyway though. Perhaps its just the holidays or something in my diet. Perhaps I'm lonely. Perhaps I feel like noone understands me. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need to find more ways to help balance those wacky neurons. I don't know. I don't know if I ever will.

Perhaps one day it won't be so hard for me to wake up in the morning.